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Sometimes all you have to do is ask. Today I feel so much more whole & receptive to ideas that have sort of stumped me lately. Autumn is OK on its own terms.
I have also had this big issue (in my head only) about "being cool." Of course this new book about Riot Grrrl came out; I bought it right away. I care about riot grrrl. Then of course, I am in/from Olympia & the author is having an event at the Olympia library and of course I want to go. But there is something, right in the center of my chest, indicating that I am not cool enough to be there, that I have no right to be there, that everyone there will know that I shouldn't be there. Now of course that is absolutely irrational etc etc. I told Kaden about the event and he was all excited about going and was like "You don't seem very excited." And I got all defensive/aggressive like "You don't think I'm cool enough to go." There was a time when I felt like my mere presence in Olympia & at shows made me cool enough. And later a time when I felt like my knowledge of music made me cool enough. I'm not a networker - I don't seek out getting to know people. Back in Bellingham I met a girl who was organizing the Bellingham Ladyfest. She invited me to a feminist group "No Bra Time" & an "all girl noise collective." But I definitely did not go or really even consider going because I don't dress like that group of people.
It really all comes down to appearance, I realize now that I am writing this. I don't have that DIY atmosphere to my style; if I did it would be a put-on and that would be even less cool.
But today, like I say, I feel more receptive - I feel like I can go to the Riot Grrrl book event. I feel like I can dress right to be there. I felt like I looked so out of place at the first Need show in Olympia in July (but I know I looked fine!); the second night (in Portland) I dressed right & felt like I had the right to be there. On a personal level, for me inside, it IS about appearance. I wrote in a comment on a blog responding to a question about what outfit made me feel the best, that I felt best when I went to concerts dressed in a way that expressed my connection to the music & my connection to the other fans. And that is true for me. I care about riot grrrl, I care about The Need, I care about rock & roll & feminism. And if dressing a certain way can allow me to be in these places on an emotional level, it's worth it to make that effort.
I am embarrassed to write all of this. Especially now that spell check just informed me that I have spelled embarrassed wrong MY WHOLE LIFE. Hahahaha, anyway - the personal is the political ETC ETC.
When I was 10 and 11, and my parents owned a copy business in downtown Olympia, I would watch all the street kids with dyed hair, who my parents probably mistakenly identified to me as Evergreen students. I wanted to be like them sooooooooo bad, but I was just a little kid, and the oldest in my family besides, with literally no role model for "cool". Everything I liked I had to find by myself. When I was 15 and 16 and 17 and first into riot grrrl, and when the original Ladyfest happened, I just assumed that I would grow older and automatically be a part of this group of people. And I grew older, but my being a kinda shy kinda outsider didn't change. I found Kaden and we are like, kindred spirits & equally cool, but, he doesn't have the sort of inferiority complex I have. [another example is that every year he wants to go to the Rockabilly Ball at the Tractor. I always tell him we cannot go. We do not have nice enough clothes and we do not know how to dance]. When I look at it in this way, I am lugging around "emotional baggage" (hahaha) from WHEN I WAS 10! And it's not even, like, something traumatic.
I am just going to give it up and BE COOL DAMN IT.
Speaking of such things, here is a little article titled you're already perfect. I can definitely use this right now. I still struggle every day with the reality that I am living in a brand new suburban neighborhood in Lacey. I still have not accepted it; I still view my life in Bellingham as "perfect" and the life I have been living since June as insufficient. I could give a million explanations & reasons, but they would all be inaccurate. My life is perfect, as it is, at the beginning of autumn, in a new suburban neighborhood in Lacey, planning to attend the riot grrrl book event, right now.
The universe is providing endless support for what I am exploring here! I just found this quote on Urban Weeds. "The goal is to dress for yourself, but not ever be embarassed to leave the house and never try too hard." - Emily, designer & owner of Filly Designs
P.S. LOOK THEY MISSPELLED EMBARRASSED TOO!!! (one "r")
I'm in that feeling of nameless wanting. Wanting to see new things & feel new feelings. Wanting to go places & make things & nest in my own home.
Oh wait, I think that's called ovulation. How do you get excited about autumn instead of dreading it? I read a blog where a girl said "this autumn is going to be magical." We are having a crazy Indian Summer in the Pacific Northwest right now, but I want it to be summer forever.
Aligns the etheric and mental bodies. It assists one in honoring their spiritual experiences as their own and using those experiences to further their own growth.
Physical: Cleanses the physical body by directly strengthening the organs that perform that function. It strengthens and flushes the lymphatic system.
Emotional: Reduces fear and stimulates self expression. Helps one to communicate compassionately and to feel safe while moving through the changes of life.
I think that is just perfect for me right now.
Compared to Bellingham, Olympia has better dressed people; plays better music in restaurants, bookstores, coffee shops, and record shops (but Bellingham has better food). In the record store they were playing Psychedelic Sounds of the 13th Floor Elevators followed by Is This Real by the Wipers, and it was funny/weird/awesome because several years ago Kaden bought both those records at the same time and we used to get drunk & stoned & look at the covers side b’ side & trip out about their congruency.
(they look more similar in color on our record sleeves at home)Plus I fucking forgot how amazing Psychedelic Sounds is. Kaden borrowed some really nice early 90s speakers from my parents that were in a storage shed. They sound SO GOOD compared to my gotten-for-free speakers we've been using for years. We need a new record needle though; we also need our own home to listen to records in.
In other news, I am going to start completely & fully supporting EVERYONE in EVERYTHING they say they want to/are going to do. I see a pattern in my life of trying to talk people down from their dreams. I would like to think it is because I am trying to protect them from disappointment, but it is more likely that I am, on some inner level, jealous because I do not have a plan or a dream, and I never really have. I don't see anything wrong with not having a plan or a dream - I let the universe decide for me, and I've always had most excellent luck. But now that I recognize that I have had that pattern, I am going to make a change and be the best supportive, loving, enthusiastic encourager I can be!
Today is like the best day ever. My mind is being blown by many things.
First, Riot Grrrl is the theme for the week. I started reading The Style Rookie after seeing an article about her in The New Yorker. This led me to the realization that RIOT GRRRL IS REALLY HOT RIGHT NOW. I read on Kathleen Hanna's blog that she feels more supported now than she ever did while Bikini Kill was performing.
Second, there is all this NEW CURRENT music that is BITCHIN. Kaden fell in love last night (on amazon.com) with Black Angels ("neo-psychedelic drone rock"). They are playing a tour in November with Black Mountain and (!!!!!!!!!!!????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!) it is called "The Dropout Boogie" tour! Of course Dropout Boogie (or as I like to call it Drop Out Boogie) is a phrase very near & dear to me, as I have called myself that online for several years! The Black Angels singer (male?) sounds just like Grace Slick! In other music news, this other band we listened to, which I read about in last week's Stranger, is Grass Widow. They're like "Quix*o*tic but not quite as dark", or, Twee, as Kaden called them.
I am so excited, like, physically excited about this new music. Still diving deeper into Avi Buffalo AND I just ordered "EVOL" on 180g vinyl.
Third: PJ Harvey just gets younger & more gorgeous as the years go by!
Kaden & I are getting married on September 18. I have been referring to it as "my semi-secret micro wedding." It took us a very long time (nearly 7 years) to decide to have a ceremony with family & friends. Marriage vows seem to me an exceptionally intimate exchange, and still, with 9 days left, I don't necessarily want to do this in front of even the 16 people invited. But I will, because it is important to them. And I'm sure it will be fun. Cree & Kristina are preparing the food - build your own sandwiches & salad bar. Bearded Lady Food Company is providing the cake! It will be almond poppyseed. We are holding it at Kaden's parents house in Woodinville. Their long-time next door neighbor, Claire, will be the Officiant; we've created our own brief ceremony & simple vows. My sister, Laila, has been so incredible & sweet to me during this planning process. She works at David's Bridal, but knows me well & knows I am not looking for traditional &/or excessively materialistic themes. In fact we are trying to keep this event as LOW BUDGET AS POSSIBLE. I am really interested to see what the grand total comes out to be. Anyway I wanted to be casual ("this is an informal event, please dress however you feel most comfortable") but on a whim I tried on this INCREDIBLE POOFY DRESS (at David's Bridal)...and it was THE ONE. So what can you do. I'm wearing it with white Chucks. Laila is decorating a veil for me - and it is SO AMAZING. She is very humble about it, but it is so beautiful; she has been so creative! I can't stop showering her with thanks.
Today we are getting our marriage license. Meeting with Melanie & Jordan about the cake. Picking up our rings, which were hand crafted by a local jewelry artist.
We FINALLY last night figured out what we're going to do for our "honeymoon." Since we planned this on very short notice - deciding on the date only a month ago - and since we work at the same company right now, we can't take an extended vacation. So we're thrilled to be spending a night at McMenamin's Grand Lodge in Forest Grove, Oregon. It is exactly, EXACTLY what we want to do, and so reasonably priced. After that we'll spend a day driving & hiking on the Oregon coast. Also EXACTLY what we want to do.
I'm getting really excited! It is going to be a wonderful time, from start to finish!
Happy Birthday, Kaden. I love you!
I finally took & uploaded some pictures of our new room. I'm really very fond of it.
For More Photos: See Horizon Pointe
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